That's life, craigslist can only get you so far, it's you choice whether you chose to be selective about the process (in general). I was fully aware of the situation i was embarking on, "weird factory, strange humans - one of which collects rat statue's and seems to be on the verge of entering into a life long struggle with hoarding". I thought nothing of this of course, he moved out a long time ago but now that i think about it, i think that i should have thought about it, you know? I tweet for a living, as stupid as that sounds. I maintain a few different companies Social Media. My job is to make stuff that isn't very cool at all, seem cool by using instagram filters and adding witty subtitles. I am good at what i do, not because i knew a whole lot about each individual industry i market for, but because I think i know what everyone is looking for in life, in general. I think i get people in a way that makes life extremely inconvenience for me. I love so hard my body hurts, although most of the time the way in which i express my love baffles, tortures and leads to the filing of restraining orders on my part, which the process takes about 7 hours in Family Court in Brooklyn, so once again I'll remind everyone to be selective with the humans they interact with. Time is of the essence, "ain't nobody have time for that". I struggle a lot, i either have a lot of money and a lot of new clothes or I'm dumb broke stealing snicker bars from local deli's, i have owed one deli by my apartment seven dollars for over a month now, it's not about the money, i can handle seven dollars, it's just been so long at this point it has developed into a "thing" for me. I will define "thing" something real dumb and unworthy of being worried about or to be given the title of "thing". I spend a lot of time walking around Brooklyn, I love graffiti. I have an incredible appreciation for street artist's. It's not just spray paint and colors, it's a message. It's often a message that other's wish they could say out loud but can't. When i go on my long walks and i see some inspiring message via graffiti i feel better about how i am feeling. It's nice to know I'm not alone. Unless I am just being a giant hipster about the whole thing, I don't know. I kinda do my own thing now a days, i decided my arrival can never be announced. I can't follow a regiment and trying to do so causes more pain than the money will ever be worth. One to many abusive boss's, the L train morning commute is horrifying and in general i believe the work day really and truly starts at 12pm. Just recently i started doing some marketing for an amazing DJ, it's really cool i have never really been given the chance to market for something i actually cared about, so that has been dope. I turn 26 in a month, I feel different then i did this time last year. I get tired a lot faster, I have weird urges to learn how to cook, I priced a kitchen aid about a month ago and I have become obsessed with lavender scented cleaning product's, detergents ect. This time last year children were annoying, now they are all of a sudden really cute. I have become less impressed with men that own customized sneakers, roll their own cigarettes and posses Narcissus qualities. I think I want to love someone. I think i want to love the right person, to the best of my abilities. I think i want to have kid's and force them to wear matching sweaters and take pictures for a Christmas card that i will send out to a bunch of people who don't necessarily care to see my children in matching sweaters. I used to swear id never have a wedding, i wanted a tattoo of a ring on my ring finger and i wanted to get married at city hall. The other night i couldn't sleep and i just searched #wedding and browsed through pictures of other people's wedding's for about an hour. I really wanted to like some of the picture's but i couldn't out of fear that other people can see what I'm liking and me being who i am in general, it would creep people out to see that i was liking multiple wedding pictures at 5am after a night of binge drinking alone at the dive bar on the corner of my street. Regardless, this is where i am at. I have become so good at being alone it scares me. It's not that I'm all feening this wedding, marriage thing, but I'm re opening the file. Sometimes i think it would just be nice if i had someone to rub my head at night, not even every night maybe twice a week. I come home to a big empty warehouse. I have a really cool room and a night light so i'm not all that worried about being alone, but head rubs are nice. It's lonely at the top, really. I have a play list of classic love songs, two of which i have already chosen for the reception of my non existent wedding recession. A lot of men thing I'm rather detached and that i have no emotion's but the truth is i have tons of emotions, really beautiful ones. I have emotion's that i feel while listening to Percy Sledge, Joe Cocker, Eric Clapton and the Pretenders. I get real into my emotions. I'm not that bitch sitting at the bar trying to toe men off for fun, I'm that girl who is drinking at the bar because i have some what lost hope in finding that person. I guess being this single at age 26 starts to look weird, I never understood why, but I do now. I have just learned how to do so much for myself that I can live completely comfortably without a man, except when i need to reach things on shelves or change light bulbs, its then when those feelings start to really surface.
For the most part life has become rather cool, i have a full weekend planned of concerts, dinners and drinks that won't cost me a dime, this i am thankful for. Otherwise, I'm still worried about the not dying alone thing. It's totally normal to see people walking around alone in Brooklyn, In NYC in general, maybe that's why we all ended up here. Maybe we are all just a bunch of force's that weren't meant to be reckoned with. I think i am exactly where i need to be, i think i was born to be sitting exactly where i am sitting, I was born to struggle through life. I'm starting to love what i had once hated and hate what i had once loved. I have ripped myself apart a million times, just to rebuild myself the following day. In fact I destroy myself every Thursday night at the local bar, just to feel like shit in the morning and be reminded of things that "still need to be addressed" (I no longer work Fridays). I often wake up with several un explained bruises, broken items and all the contents of my purse dumped out all over my floor, and I am okay with this. There is nothing wrong with breaking your own self to rebuild, it is wrong when you allow someone else to break your own self. Be the cause of your own bad luck and do it right.
A few images from my soul searching walk today. #whatafuckinghipster
"I used to be worth Something" ... you still are. Ton's of tiny sperm, you got through for some reason. Keep on.
No comments:
Post a Comment