Tonight throughout the entire duration of my horrifyingly, not just freezing but numbingly cold shower. Why was I taking an ice cold shower? Whom did I owe this rare and unique, obnoxious experience to? He goes by no other name then, Marty Kaufman. My trifling, scum bag Brooklyn Slumlord that tried pulling a fast one on my roommates and I by printing out a "A 30 Day Eviction Notice" on our door, for no other reason than that he had been offered 15,000 big ones a month to by some bohemian clog wearing, body oder embracing fuck heads. The thing was we were only pay 6,000 little ones so Marty, being the intelligent, impatient prick that he was thought he could scare us out of our beloved, stinky illegal commercial loft.
As soon as I walked up to my door and saw that 30 day notice all i could do was laugh because, at the bottom of the document in very fine print read, "Vermont State Standard 30 Day Final Eviction Notice".
This all seemed to occur just at the right time, happy hour. I would then take my laptop down to the Mark Bar, browse my FAVORITE website other than craigslist, NYC.gov and I was preparing myself a very detailed, educated list of his violations, as well as a bunch of really mean, cold and calculated things that I could yell at him and his minions (Carlos and Violet) as I slammed the door on my way out.
Someone at the bar approached me and asked me what all the smiles were about, I told them I was going to nail my landlord for all he's got, ruin his personal life, all of his employees, their personal lives and I was going to sit my very own, extended as fuck version of sitting sivah in that disgusting loft until the day I die just to prove a point.
I guess they were hoping I had something nice to say, but i rarely did. Happy Hour wasn't a happy hour for Dara, it was a time of reflection, conjuring up plans, involving the other regulars and listening to depressing music, loudly as I carefully counted down the time when the clock struck 8pm and another happy hour came, went and left me even thirstier than before.
So the early crowd starts to shuffle out, I'll see them tomorrow.
The night crowd shuffles in, I'll be seeing them all night and we will be watching the sunrise together.
When you have two different crowds of friends at the bar, life can become demanding. I lived for that sort of demand.
Tonight was different, I had at least 6 doubles and found it impossible to stop my mind from wondering,
I hate, hate when it does this.
For any prolonged period of time in which i find myself in a pure state of misery (such as taking an insanely freezing cold shower) I began to ponder my existence. Which was happening on a regular basis now a days now that Marty prick had our heat shutoff. My mind would wonder off and it would go off into places in my mind that I hadn't really visited often.
I thought about my parents, their parents, I thought about New Jersey, I thought about why the fuck I choose to be taking freezing cold shower in Greenpoint, Brooklyn. What was it about this place that wasn't exactly "heaven" but the thought of leaving it was something I could not bare to even think about. It was my home, my safe place and yeah the bar I went to wasn't everyone's idea of a good time but I wasn't everyone and either were the other people that came to this bar. We took comfort in consistency, good conversation, great playlists and the obscuirty of it all. I'm over here at the video game table writing a detailed outline on how to represent myself in court against my landlord and systamatically ruin his entire life.
Months later at that very same table, I also invented a hot water shower invention, it was a total flux capasitor moment, i rememeber who was bartending, the seating arrangements and how when i stood up in my seat with my ammature sketch of my invention, no one looked at me as if i was insane. They accepted me, they accepted what i was fighting against and for what.
Well, that hot shower invention that i drew up on a bar napkin involving, a 14 gallon garbage can, a salt water aquirium heater, a water pump and a family sized rice cooker achieved a 10 minute hot shower on May 5th at around 8:00pm.
"Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me" Style.
In the past I have been able to convince myself that anything and everything that currently causes me misery can mean one thing and one thing only it must be preparing me for the next battle, which i always had a way of knowing something "wicked this way was coming." But, I was young, angry, stubborn and I was down to throw around.
Today I told my one bar friend,
"you know, if push came to shove and females got drafted I hope they'd let me choose to be a sniper."
He replied, "you don't actually mean this."
I replied back, "yeah I guess not."
But in my head I totally mother fucking believed it.
I am very tactful and when I'm own for the count, as much as i don't like to admit it, I have it in me to protect myself, others and for some reason I just have these innate built in radars.
Someone will be coming directly at you, charging at you full force knife in hand and I had already decided two minutes ago I'd like to get some fresh air so I walked over to the bar door and as this man came charging, i glided my right foot out ever so gently.
I never needed fresh air, not then, not now. I just knew for some reason I should be in need of it.
Doesn't this sound like a noble way to go through life?
It isn't.
It's fucking mind boggling, my intuition is always so incredibly on point that now I have to act on how i feel because if i don't I don't want to live with the guilt of having known what needed to be done. Had I not been proven correct so many times I had lost count, I swear I'd plead insanity and beg for a nice room with a view at Belivue.
I'm a weird chick. Not doubt about that.
Which brings me to the present,
Here I stand, dripping wet in a dark bathroom stale, one bloody knee to be shown for my effort of trying to shave to a dim candle light. It was there and then at that very bloody scene that i reassured myself i was exactly where i needed to be.
Odd, right?
Coming from such deep Jersey roots, none of which really resemble who I have really became or developed as a person. Greenpoint, it fit me.. It fit me like a warm mitten bought at a salvation army. A little warn, a bit dirty, it's yarn and coloring unlike any of the other mittens. A mitten that had seemed lost, hopeless and unworthy of sitting amongst the other mittens had fit my hand confidently, deeply and truly. I don't know really how love works, but I think it begins with comfort and evolved into love.
I had become rather smitten with Greenpoint way back in 2009 when it was just my selling territory and I was living in the UES, I hated when it got late, I never wanted to leave. I felt like I shouldn't go, with every swipe of my subway card traveling back to Manhattan, I felt empty for a few stops. Missing the Polish ladies at the Triple Decker Diner, missing all of my friends, the people who saw me everyday and knew more about me then well, anyone.
I come from an assorted mix, to say the least. God bless my parents and their will to procreate with a solid follow through.
Never having been close to either side of my family, it has always been just my parents, my brother and I and a bunch of emotional problems we could never address.
My past had once bothered me, not because of the hear say throughout New Jersey, or an angry stampede of kid's i went to high school with bum rushing me on Thanksgiving Eve demanding i refund them for their mother's engagement band that my cousin had stolen from their earlier in the year, while i was a state away basking in my ignorance and ignoring the thought of what might be going down in my home town. When it came to my father's family, i chose to look the other way. As my father had once done. A lot of hurt and pain embodied my family Christmas's. I hated the sight of Christmas Trees, the sound of Christmas music and how incredibly lazy people were when it came to their outdoor lights. A if they just plugged in a strand of lights and dumped them on a bush and called it a day.
If you cared so much about Christmas why the fuck didn't you put a little more effort into showing your support. For fuck sake you know? It shouldn't be this way.
I believe going down with what you believe in, not so much going down for embezzlement but having the balls to "go down" if need be. I really appreciate the lyrics involved in the song by Yes "Roundabout" I have and always will since 8th grade. My true intentions may lay dormant until need be, you may be weary of my intentions until that day comes when it's time to suit up and put your war paint on, but .. the people in my life i care about, are reminded of this daily and secretly i hope, by this point they would know id be the one waiting around the corner with the bat.
Maybe I'm not the choice candidate to be the god father or god mother of your child, but ill always be able to pick up after that person falls off and fails to meet your expectations. I won't be the person to say i told you so either, I'll just scoop up the duty with no words exchanged.
I might not be apart of your wedding party, but i will be at your wedding. I will be at your wedding especially if i think that you might be second guessing it, ill be that friend that double parked around the corner, shows up ten minutes late and sits in the last pew, that's ready to be your get away.
This is what i offer people.
I'm the one phone call, when you only have one call. I can't help this role, i was born to play this role. I'll always suite up.
I'm also the last person that Slum Lord Marty fucks with, I'm Dara Low and where Dara Low is going, she won't know until she knows.
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| Deal, New Jersey |
“Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everyone I've ever known.”
-Chuck Palahniuk
More and More each day i have excepted who i really am, I am that Jersey Kid. I am that Jersey kid that is surviving in NYC, struggling trying to start something independent taking Jersey along with her daily, weighing the good with the bad and turning into her own. No one is watching me, no one is asking to join me in this cold shower I am doing this alone, no witnesses. I steal from CVS because sometimes i need to, other times i just get a rush out of my confidence level. Nothing major, nothing over ten dollars.
I am just really interested in my capabilities at this point, after having them being tested so many times over the years. This Jersey Kid has been dragged by her ankles through shit all over NYC and some recognition needs to be given, even if it is only being given by herself.
Avoiding your home town, your relatives, the name you bare is a direct insult to the person you are today, yesterday and the person you will be tomorrow. It took me the longest time to truly and deeply understand the meaning behind who i really am and today, during an awful cold shower in Greenpoint, Brooklyn around 8:45, I really came into myself. If given the choice to avoid such suffering and living with such common amenities i might not have as much to say, or as much to bring to the table.
Everyday is a struggle and I never have enough money to realistically pay all the deli's back in on Manhattan Avenue that i owe money to, I know that when i drink too much at the local bar and i take two cans of diet coke and put them in my purse, they know exactly what it is that i am doing, but i think they know its for a better cause and that on Thursday when my paycheck comes there will be a silent turn over of an extra two dollars in addition to my current purchase and both parties has an idea why. I steal from CVS because i do so in such a blatant, "what of it" type of method that no one has time enough to judge my character, stop me before i do it again or challenge me for wanting to do so. It's a bunch a neighborhood kid's making minimum wage, that are too tired from attending school all day that to go out of their way for a cause that wont hurt nor improve their hourly wage would be unnecessary.
I have this poetic poor artist, criminal blood that flows through my body in the most beautiful, correct way that this blood could ever flow through a human body. Criminal in the way that i watch my own back and understand motives, not in the way that i would or could ever cause harm. I'm too honest and my heart beats to loud to ever actively take part in hurting another. If your beating your wife on my street, I'm stopping, I'm questioning it and the thought of whether or not you might actually know my address or come back for me at some point doesn't enter into my head until i slam that door shut, either way .. i wouldn't be able to let it slide. Poor and Poetic in the fact that i don't mind the struggle as much, I have seen it from the flip-side and i like the person i am much better after a good month's struggle because i always have much more to talk about and better stories to tell. Stories that make others laugh and soothe their troubled soul.
So, after all this contemplating at the corner Dive Bar, I have come to find i wouldn't have it any other way. Given Hot water, id chose the cold.
I am and will always be that Jersey Kid, Sitting in the last row glaring out of the window plotting on my escape, just wanting to know desperately what is going on beyond highway 36 and what the future may hold.
But i found it, in the form of a cold shower and no one should worry for me.
This blog Entry was written to three songs:
1. Lotus Flower - Radiohead
2. Atlantic City - Bruce Springsteen
3. Nothing like this - J - Dilla
It was really only three songs, the blog took a while..... I had a three song combo in mind, what can you do.
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| Highlands New Jersey (pop's home town) |
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| 22 and confused, Le White Wall Long Branch NJ |
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| A much younger Low 22, these kids they Long Board out in Jersey .. Imagine that. |
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