"Came like forty nights of rain
To replenish my adolescent brain...."
To replenish my adolescent brain...."
Nas "Drunk By Myself"
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| Banksy |
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| Banksy |
June 5th, I turn twenty six years old. I will be officially half way through my twenties, as in closer to being thirty than I am to being twenty. It is funny how i didn't think much about turning twenty five, but being on the verge of turning twenty six and knowing that turning twenty six will mean that I have passed the half way mark leaves an incredible amount of room for thought...
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| Banksy |
Officially rounding up, verses ... rounding down.
I can't say that i am where i want to be in life, i cant say that i could have imagined my life being as it is currently. Out of the (almost) 26 years i have been on earth, I believe that between the age of 25 and 26 is the time in which i grew the most. A lot of my growing i owe to nature.. it sorta came about naturally.. my overall change in emotion, my different outlook on life in general.
Family Values
Political Views & Last but not least, my general lust for life and my will to survive.
I don't have any more money than i did last year, I haven't traveled, I have just been kicking it on the east coast, walking my usual routes..
same old back drop, whole new appreciation for it.
I spent a lot of time inside myself, connecting the necessary wires and re routing others. A lot of deep questioning, I went to the depths of my memory index and i forced myself to re live certain parts of my life and see things for what they really were. It took a lot of mental sorting and organizing.
I spent a lot of years re writing history and spitting on my own cupcake and telling myself it was frosting, just because it was easier for me to compartmentalize.
It is important to remember exactly how someone or something made you feel during any given circumstance, being aware is key. If you make yourself fully aware of how something made you feel the first time, you will be less likely to make the mistake a second time. Confusion only happens when your instincts clash with your brain waves...
I'm not fucking perfect, I will never be and I am okay with all of this. I'm never content and I hope it stays this way.
I think it is okay to never be content just as long as you can find appreciation for the small things in life and never let your discontent get in the way of all the beautiful absolutes you have acquired.
Like, not having hot water during this period of my life will most definitely without a doubt in my mind will make me appreciate something even as basic as a hot shower, a lot more than i would have ever appreciated it if i hadn't been without.
Having met several horrible men, will make me recognize the rarity of a good man and if and when a situation arises that i encounter such a thing, I'll know how to treat this individual so that they stick around.
I am fully aware of the person that i am as of today, still a work in progress, but i know what i want out of this life. I have accepted certain things about myself that i can't change and i have actively set out in order to fix the things that i know that i can change.
I have a lot of great ideas, great execution of these said ideas, but a terrible follow through. I'm wishy washy and I get bored easily, I start a lot of things and finish none. I go through a lot of phases, i have learned a little bit of information about several different things. In other words, I have read a lot of cliff notes but never actually finished reading any novels. I always have the initial intent to do so, but terrible follow through on those intentions.
I have tried pretty much everything, I am constantly in search of ways to express myself. I have accepted this about myself, but i also go about expressing myself in a more mature, proactive way, verses doing so in a less mature way that comes across negative.
I traded short tube top dresses in for witty tank tops and obnoxious iphone covers.
I traded bleach blond hair in for my natural hair color and a few highlighted strands.
I traded in heavy concealer for a light powder.
I started wearing jeans and sneakers again verses short skirts and push up bra's.
I changed the tone of my voice and i try to curse less in general, but have not been completely successful at doing so yet.
I am not who i want to be, or who i thought i was going to be at twenty six years old, but i am still standing. I don't think it is a terrible thing, I'm not totally upset about where i am in life because i know even though i haven't made it yet, i am on my way.
If you are okay with it, others tend to be okay with it.
Every summer of my life, since i have been alive i have spent on the beach, for the most part. Growing up on the jersey shore, that is just routine. I had a very privileged up bringing, where i was given everything i wanted, had everything i needed and a little extra. My family and i have been members of a private beach club, my whole life.
I have seen the same people every summer, my whole life.
Creatures of habit.
Every Summer these people from memorial day on, sit in the same spot, with the same people, sipping on the same cocktail drink. Every one's behavior is completely predictable, gossip is steady and people are phony.
No one is over weight, everyone has the perfect kids and the perfect marriage and every summer's introduction is as squeaky clean and impersonal as the last. Everyone has the same story, "My son and or daughter is marrying the GREATEST person ever, we LOVE their family, we couldn't have asked for a better person for our child to marry, THEY ARE VERY WELL OFF, We get along great with their parents and life is one big Spiegal catalogue.
If anyone happened to have any sort of genetic slip up or obesity flair up in their offspring, that would be resolved with sleep away camp. Sleep away camp that would be described as being a "great opportunity", "gifted children's program" or a "rare honor" that was bestowed upon their family in which their child was selected over several other children to be apart of.
It is never any of the above.
No one ever claims that their children are making any less than 65,000 a year, or that their child didn't find their DREAM job. No one is ever not EXTREMELY BLESSED. It is the same stories every single year, these people sound like broken records. If bullshit wore a bra, these people would be top heavy.
It's all a Tommy Bahama, Lily Pulitzer, nautical themed .. crock of shit.
All of these people treat their beach club membership as if it were some right of passage. As if the ocean we swim in isn't the same ocean others swim in divided by a rope and a jetty.
Today was the first day of yet another, predictable summer.
It is more like Interrogation Day, rather than Memorial Day. In which everyone is fighting to talk over one another and everyone stops by to ask "how is everything, how was your winter?" just so that they can tell you about their winter or how they are doing ... and it's always FANTASTIC.
Well, I'll tell you what.
I'm doing, "sub par" and my winter was bedlam. My parent's experiencing similar feelings, but more deep rooted, aged and unsettling. Everyone knows everyone and no one really needs to inquire about how someone is actually doing, because they already have such prior knowledge.
Everyone knows how my family's winter was, they most likely gather that we must not be feeling GREAT, considering the circumstances but still we are expected to have something FANTASTIC to report. Kid's i grew up with parent's want to cross examine me and inquire about my position in life so that they can compare it with the position their own child is in.
When people asked me today "What are you doing now? Where are you living? Do you have someone special in your life? Any engagement announcements? babies? Graduate School?
I had just this to say, "Life is sub par, it isn't what i thought it was going to be but it's alright, I support myself, but it is not easy and I am fighting daily to keep my above water. I live in Brooklyn, i wish i had more money to enjoy the perks of living in NYC, but i don't .. hopefully i will get there soon but I'm not dying, but rather ... coasting. I am actually getting progressively worse at understanding the opposite sex (chuckles) but i am hopeful. I think my new found social anxiety, will aid me in sifting out the "right one". I'm glad that (fill in the blank name of the person's son and or daughter) has found such success in such a short period of time, they must be very lucky, some people are meant to struggle and other's aren't. But i have to believe at this point that nothing good comes easy, so I'm pacing myself..."
No one ever expects someone to actually answer that question, but i did just that.
I'm doing the best i can and it isn't horrible, so that's that.
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| Banksy |
My parent's don't make the money they had once made, my only sibling has a terrible, debilitating addiction to drugs and a shit ton of fines and lawyer bills to go along side of his addiction. Neither me or my parent's would have ever expected this, our hearts are broken and we have gone through the motion's and there isn't anything that we can do, but love him, pay his fines and live our lives.
We got dealt a hand of cards and we are going all in, we have nothing to hide at this point.
I'm not getting married any time soon, but I have recently decided that I'd like to try producing my own music or at least fuck around a bit with sound and use my love and knowledge for music to try and find my own sound. I can't say that i will actually pursue this in its entirety, but I'm going fuck with it a bit and see what happens.
Music is the only thing that has been a consistency in my life, Music is always there when i need it to be, Music explains the things I feel that i cannot and I want to see if i can entertain a crowd of human beings and get some sort of rise out of them. I want to see if i have the ability to move people, aside from this weird blog.
I have been researching, getting my terms down and knowing that i have a track record of bad follow through, i am going to take it day by day and when i have a good idea, I'll write it down and i wont force it.
Some People are trying to buy homes, i am trying to finance some turn tables....
I'd like to know that i can hold onto costume jewelry before i try and hold onto a wedding ring..
I'm going to freelance and come and go when i feel it is necessary.
I hate setting alarms, running to the subway station and anxiously reaching around my purse to find my subway card while everything but my subway card falls out of my purse onto the ground.
I don't want to try and change a song, while holding a coffee cup in my arm pit and clenching my purse in between my knees holding onto the railing of the L train.
The Lorimer morning Rat Race is not for me.
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| Banksy |
I have to just try all sorts of things out to find out what is going to work out for me.
Not that there is anything wrong with the Rat Race, the L train commute or the ability to multi task without spilling.
I am also never going to wear a patriotic j crew sweatshirt, any article of clothing that consists of any sort of nautical embroidered theme. Men that wear shorts with tiny embroidered lobsters, rock loafers without socks and own a at least one pair of nautical themed sterling silver cuff lings have ulterior modems.
I will always dig the beach, but I don't need to "belong" to enjoy it, I can share the same beach as everyone else because i don't care about what everyone else is doing, i don't care when your car lease is up, i don't care about the remodeling of your kitchen, I don't care whether or not what you tell me is true or false... I care that you don't get cocky after a few Seagram's vo and come at me hard with your Tory Birch beach totes, patriotic J CREW attire and judgement.
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| Banksy |
Anyways, THE PLAYLIST
as promised:
Love this playlist, strictly electronic beats.
Some new and some old, all equally amazing.
Even flow, a good morning commute mix and or "chilling out" background music.
1. "Animals" - Baths ***favored
2. "Your Body" - Gigamesh / Kitsune AMERICA (Deluxe Edition)
3. "Psychedelic Stereo" - Mimosa
4. "It's all in Sound" - Bullion
5. "Get Lucky" - (Radio Edit) - Daft Punk >>> NEW!
6. "Sofi needs a ladder" - Deadmau5
7. "Little People" (black city) - Mathew Dear
8. "Drive it like you stole it" - Glitch Mob
9. "Dunegeon Sound" - Gramatik
10. "Body Mod" - Pictureplane ***favored
11. "Marriage" - Gold Panda
12. "Loner"- Burial ***favored
13. "Vortex" - Zomby
14. "Untitled" - Burial
15. "The best thing" - Electric Youth
16. "Love Scene" - Beni
17. "Love hate thing feat Sam Dew" - Wale >>> NEW!
18. "D. Song" - Yppah
19. "Kindred" - Burial ***favored
20. "Raise your weopan" - Deadmau5
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