Another Memorial Day on the Shore, Navigating through the Nonsense & A NEW PLAYLIST

"Came like forty nights of rain
To replenish my adolescent brain...."

Nas "Drunk By Myself" 

 

Banksy

 

Banksy

June 5th, I turn twenty six years old. I will be officially half way through my twenties, as in closer to being thirty than I am to being twenty. It is funny how i didn't think much about turning twenty five, but being on the verge of turning twenty six and knowing that turning twenty six will mean that I have passed the half way mark leaves an incredible amount of room for thought... 

Banksy

Officially rounding up, verses ... rounding down.

I can't say that i am where i want to be in life, i cant say that i could have imagined my life being as it is currently. Out of the (almost) 26 years i have been on earth, I believe that between the age of 25 and 26 is the time in which i grew the most. A lot of my growing i owe to nature..  it sorta came about naturally.. my overall change in emotion, my different outlook on life in general.

Family Values

Political Views & Last but not least, my general lust for life and my will to survive.

I don't have any more money than i did last year, I haven't traveled, I have just been kicking it on the east coast, walking my usual routes.. 

same old back drop, whole new appreciation for it.

I spent a lot of time inside myself, connecting the necessary wires and re routing others. A lot of deep questioning, I went to the depths of my memory index and i forced myself to re live certain parts of my life and see things for what they really were. It took a lot of mental sorting and organizing. 

I spent a lot of years re writing history and spitting on my own cupcake and telling myself it was frosting, just because it was easier for me to compartmentalize.

It is important to remember exactly how someone or something made you feel during any given circumstance, being aware is key. If you make yourself fully aware of how something made you feel the first time, you will be less likely to make the mistake a second time. Confusion only happens when your instincts clash with your brain waves...

I'm not fucking perfect, I will never be and I am okay with all of this. I'm never content and I hope it stays this way. 

I think it is okay to never be content just as long as you can find appreciation for the small things in life and never let your discontent get in the way of all the beautiful absolutes you have acquired.

Like, not having hot water during this period of my life will most definitely without a doubt in my mind will make me appreciate something even as basic as a hot shower, a lot more than i would have ever appreciated it if i hadn't been without.

Having met several horrible men, will make me recognize the rarity of a good man and if and when a situation arises that i encounter such a thing, I'll know how to treat this individual so that they stick around.

I am fully aware of the person that i am as of today, still a work in progress, but i know what i want out of this life. I have accepted certain things about myself that i can't change and i have actively set out in order to fix the things that i know that i can change.

I have a lot of great ideas, great execution of these said ideas, but a terrible follow through. I'm wishy washy and I get bored easily, I start a lot of things and finish none. I go through a lot of phases, i have learned a little bit of information about several different things. In other words, I have read a lot of cliff notes but never actually finished reading any novels. I always have the initial intent to do so, but terrible follow through on those intentions.

I have tried pretty much everything, I am constantly in search of ways to express myself. I have accepted this about myself, but i also go about expressing myself in a more mature, proactive way, verses doing so in a less mature way that comes across negative.

I traded short tube top dresses in for witty tank tops and obnoxious iphone covers.

I traded bleach blond hair in for my natural hair color and a few highlighted strands.

I traded in heavy concealer for a light powder.

I started wearing jeans and sneakers again verses short skirts and push up bra's.

I changed the tone of my voice and i try to curse less in general, but have not been completely successful at doing so yet.

I am not who i want to be, or who i thought i was going to be at twenty six years old, but i am still standing. I don't think it is a terrible thing, I'm not totally upset about where i am in life because i know even though i haven't made it yet, i am on my way.

If you are okay with it, others tend to be okay with it. 

Every summer of my life, since i have been alive i have spent on the beach, for the most part. Growing up on the jersey shore, that is just routine. I had a very privileged up bringing, where i was given everything i wanted, had everything i needed and a little extra. My family and i have been members of a private beach club, my whole life. 

I have seen the same people every summer, my whole life.

Creatures of habit.

Every Summer these people from memorial day on, sit in the same spot, with the same people, sipping on the same cocktail drink. Every one's behavior is completely predictable, gossip is steady and people are phony. 

No one is over weight, everyone has the perfect kids and the perfect marriage and every summer's introduction is as squeaky clean and impersonal as the last. Everyone has the same story, "My son and or daughter is marrying the GREATEST person ever, we LOVE their family, we couldn't have asked for a better person for our child to marry, THEY ARE VERY WELL OFF, We get along great with their parents and life is one big Spiegal catalogue. 

If anyone happened to have any sort of genetic slip up or obesity flair up in their offspring, that would be resolved with sleep away camp. Sleep away camp that would be described as being a "great opportunity", "gifted children's program" or a "rare honor" that was bestowed upon their family in which their child was selected over several other children to be apart of.

It is never any of the above. 

No one ever claims that their children are making any less than 65,000 a year, or that their child didn't find their DREAM job. No one is ever not EXTREMELY BLESSED. It is the same stories every single year, these people sound like broken records. If bullshit wore a bra, these people would be top heavy. 

It's all a Tommy Bahama, Lily Pulitzer, nautical themed .. crock of shit. 

All of these people treat their beach club membership as if it were some right of passage. As if the ocean we swim in isn't the same ocean others swim in divided by a rope and a jetty. 

Today was the first day of yet another, predictable summer.

It is more like Interrogation Day, rather than Memorial Day. In which everyone is fighting to talk over one another and everyone stops by to ask "how is everything, how was your winter?" just so that they can tell you about their winter or how they are doing ... and it's always FANTASTIC.

Well, I'll tell you what.

 I'm doing, "sub par" and my winter was bedlam. My parent's experiencing similar feelings, but more deep rooted, aged and unsettling. Everyone knows everyone and no one really needs to inquire about how someone is actually doing, because they already have such prior knowledge. 

Everyone knows how my family's winter was, they most likely gather that we must not be feeling GREAT, considering the circumstances but still we are expected to have something FANTASTIC to report. Kid's  i grew up with parent's want to cross examine me and inquire about my position in life so that they can compare it with the position their own child is in.

When people asked me today "What are you doing now? Where are you living? Do you have someone special in your life? Any engagement announcements? babies? Graduate School?

I had just this to say, "Life is sub par, it isn't what i thought it was going to be but it's alright, I support myself, but it is not easy and I am fighting daily to keep my above water. I live in Brooklyn, i wish i had more money to enjoy the perks of living in NYC, but i don't .. hopefully i will get there soon but I'm not dying, but rather ... coasting. I am actually getting progressively worse at understanding the opposite sex (chuckles) but i am hopeful. I think my new found social anxiety, will aid me in sifting out the "right one". I'm glad that (fill in the blank name of the person's son and or daughter) has found such success in such a short period of time, they must be very lucky, some people are meant to struggle and other's aren't. But i have to believe at this point that nothing good comes easy, so I'm pacing myself..."

No one ever expects someone to actually answer that question, but i did just that.

I'm doing the best i can and it isn't horrible, so that's that.

Banksy

My parent's don't make the money they had once made, my only sibling has a terrible, debilitating addiction to drugs and a shit ton of fines and lawyer bills to go along side of his addiction. Neither me or my parent's would have ever expected this, our hearts are broken and we have gone through the motion's and there isn't anything that we can do, but love him, pay his fines and live our lives.

We got dealt a hand of cards and we are going all in, we have nothing to hide at this point.

I'm not getting married any time soon, but I have recently decided that I'd like to try producing my own music or at least fuck around a bit with sound and use my love and knowledge for music to try and find my own sound. I can't say that i will actually pursue this in its entirety, but I'm going fuck with it a bit and see what happens.

Music is the only thing that has been a consistency in my life, Music is always there when i need it to be, Music explains the things I feel that i cannot and I want to see if i can entertain a crowd of human beings and get some sort of rise out of them. I want to see if i have the ability to move people, aside from this weird blog. 

I have been researching, getting my terms down and knowing that i have a track record of bad follow through, i am going to take it day by day and when i have a good idea, I'll write it down and i wont force it.

Some People are trying to buy homes, i am trying to finance some turn tables....

I'd like to know that i can hold onto costume jewelry before i try and hold onto a wedding ring..

I'm going to freelance and come and go when i feel it is necessary.

I hate setting alarms, running to the subway station and anxiously reaching around my purse to find my subway card while everything but my subway card falls out of my purse onto the ground.

I don't want to try and change a song, while holding a coffee cup in my arm pit and clenching my purse in between my knees holding onto the railing of the L train.

The Lorimer morning Rat Race is not for me.

Banksy

I have to just try all sorts of things out to find out what is going to work out for me. 

Not that there is anything wrong with the Rat Race, the L train commute or the ability to multi task without spilling. 

I am also never going to wear a patriotic j crew sweatshirt, any article of clothing that consists of any sort of nautical embroidered theme. Men that wear shorts with tiny embroidered lobsters, rock loafers without socks and own a at least one pair of nautical themed sterling silver cuff lings have ulterior modems.

I will always dig the beach, but I don't need to "belong" to enjoy it, I can share the same beach as everyone else because i don't care about what everyone else is doing, i don't care when your car lease is up, i don't care about the remodeling of your kitchen, I don't care whether or not what you tell me is true or false... I care that you don't get cocky after a few Seagram's vo and come at me hard with your Tory Birch beach totes, patriotic J CREW attire and judgement.

Banksy

Anyways, THE PLAYLIST 

as promised:

Love this playlist, strictly electronic beats.

Some new and some old, all equally amazing.

Even flow, a good morning commute mix and or "chilling out" background music.

1. "Animals" - Baths  ***favored

2. "Your Body" - Gigamesh / Kitsune AMERICA (Deluxe Edition)

3. "Psychedelic Stereo" - Mimosa

4. "It's all in Sound" - Bullion

5. "Get Lucky" - (Radio Edit) - Daft Punk >>>  NEW!

6. "Sofi needs a ladder" - Deadmau5

7. "Little People" (black city) - Mathew Dear

8. "Drive it like you stole it" - Glitch Mob

9. "Dunegeon Sound" - Gramatik

10. "Body Mod" - Pictureplane    ***favored

11. "Marriage" - Gold Panda

12. "Loner"- Burial ***favored

13. "Vortex" - Zomby

14. "Untitled" - Burial

15. "The best thing" - Electric Youth

16. "Love Scene" - Beni

17. "Love hate thing feat Sam Dew" - Wale >>>  NEW!

18. "D. Song" - Yppah

19. "Kindred" - Burial ***favored

20. "Raise your weopan" - Deadmau5

Banksy & A Playlist for the Love Sick Individual Minus the Cheese

Banksy - "Love Sick"

“I mean, they say you die twice. One time when you stop breathing and a second time, a bit later on, when somebody says your name for the last time.”
#Banksy

Another favorite by my favorite "Banksy"

Banksy

Banksy is MY FAVORITE Graffiti 

Artist, a straight up rebel with a cause

& reason. His Stencil work is incredibly

unique, intelligent and a pleasure to see up
close and personal, which living in Greenpoint I have had the opportunity to a lot of his work up close, it's almost like an unexpected present on the walk home from Williamsburg, because you'll be casually walking your usual route home and all of a sudden you'll happen to notice new work you haven't seen before and it's pretty much Christmas Morning, because you know there is more from where that came from.

Well, Whatever so i promised this playlist...

This play list goes out to all the love sick, pathetic individuals out there that can't either 1. Let it fucking go or 2. Still have some sort of hope

I know that my heart has not belonged to me in quite some time now, so naturally I have a few songs in the stash.

There's time's where i find myself out and about, around a group of energetic human beings, laughing and mixed up in a moment of true bliss and contentment. Dancing, Spilling their drinks all over me, stepping on my feet to flag down the bartender...

"Shots, Shots, Shots"

So happy and so eager to foot the bill on shots, living in the moment, toasting and what have you..

 I haven't been involved in that sort of activity in a while.

I am usually the girl starring directly into her double of sailor Jerry and diet coke, with a dead stare. As if the answers to my future were floating amongst the remnants of the ice cubes in my glass.

Someone couldn't try to look more unapproachable if they tried, tried.. REAL HARD

This comes natural to me.

The Need to be alone and ponder.

I've started actually bringing my lap top and my headphones to the bar so i can take it an extra step further in being unapproachable. 

Then there's always.. THAT GUY,

who has to drop the, "Smile"

line on me & this always gets me absurdly enraged

 (not that i am saying this is a normal reaction)

But... 

Still..

Smiling takes EFFORT, Smiling requires the use of alot of muscles in your face, it isn't a natural expression, i once fake smiled for a whole one hour meeting and my jaw hurt for a good remainder of my day.

Then, I'm like .. "Who is this guy to reprimand me and tell me what to do, does he even think before he speaks.. or is he just so cheesy he assumes this is a classic "go to" line.

Or maybe, I'm over thinking this completely

Maybe, I'm just fucked up..

Maybe, i wished i was somewhere else with someone else and i cant wipe the stain of this person's memory off my fucking forehead.

"DAMAGED GOODS" in NEON fucking PAINT MARKERS

Maybe i am just avoiding the potential of making good memories that might not include him, because i can't image such a thing.

I can't focus on couples around me, holding each other, eembracing each other and sharing precious moments together.

I had that, i did.

Haven't had any moments since.

Not any good ones. 

There is a part of me that knows daily, I have already found the one i am supposed to be with and that we are wasting precious time everyday, holding a grudge, walking around the city alone and lonely. Seeking out other people from time to time but being left unsatisfied. 

Just because we feel like we should,

but we shouldn't.

I can't take shuffling through my picture library on my iphone with my glasses hanging half way off my face while walking with a drunk slant toward my apartment just so i can collapse on my bed and re stain my freshly cleaned pillow cases with eye liner, mascara and whatever else i use to clog my pores on a regular basis.

So this is for you lonely bar dwellers out there, hope this helps.

Death of my Insides Playlist:

1. "Keep you" - Class Actress

2. "Heartbeats" (i prefer the Live Version) - The Knife

3. "There is a light that never goes out" - The Smiths

4. "Unhappy Birthday" The Smiths   

5. "Do you really want to hurt me?" Violent Femmes

6. "You are all i see" - Active Child

7."Bruises" - Chairlift

8. "Pretty Boy" - Young Galaxy

9. "Hey Jelousy" - Gin Blossoms

10. "Deep inside of you" - Third eye Blind

11. "Love Has Gone" - Netsky

12. "Last Dance" - Rhye

13. "Open" - Rhye

14. "Dirt" - Phish

15. "Don't look back in Anger"- Oasis

16. "Yellow Ledbetter" - Pearl Jam

17. "Black" - Pearl Jam

18. "Beyond here lies nothing" - Bob Dylan

19. "Helpless" - Crosby Stills Nash & Young

20. "Happy Together" - The Turtles

21. "The wind cries Mary" - Jimi Hendrix

22. "She's not there" - The Zombies

23. "Angie" -The rolling stones

24. "Wild World" - Cat Stevens

25. "Lotus Flower" - Radiohead

26. "There, There" - Radiohead

27. "All i want" -LCD Soundsystem

28. "November Rain" - Guns and Roses

(whattttt a guitar solo)

29. "Little Red Corvette" - Prince

30. "Your going to miss me" - The 13th floor elevators

31. "The last time i saw Richard" - Joni Mitchell

32. "Case of you" - Joni Mitchell

33. "Rescue Me" - Fontella Bass  

34. "Wild Horses"- Rolling Stones

35. "Lola" - The Kinks

36. "Heart of Gold" - Neil Young

37. "Tracks of my tears" - Smokey Robinson

38. "Dosed" - Red Hot Chili peppers

39. "Howlin for you" - Black Keys

40. "You've got the love" - Florence and the Machine

41. "I would do anything for you" - Foster the People

42. "Sweetest Girl" - Wyclef Jean

43. "Anything, Anything [ I'll give you ]" - Dramarama

Bye. Go Cry Now

Jerk off with Sandpaper ect...

                    

Woody Allen, Louis C.K, Kelly Rowland, New Beats & Inspiration...

Real Talk,
Posted up at the shadiest table possible at my local bar spot.
Having myself a day, a bad one.

When you get older and you have been on your own for a significant amount of time, bad days are just bad days. You have your local spot, you post up .. no words are exchanged concerning your stand offish behavior, because everyone already knows..
"well shes just having a day......"

Thats New York City.
A lot of people dealing, indepedantly to best of their abilities the only way they know how....

So in other words im doing me,
Found a few "pick me up" gem's via the internet tonight.

Comedy & Beat's
What else?

Here's a few things you might enjoy.

1. Kelly Rowland dropped a SERIOUS bomb music wise, still floored.... pleasantly suprised, needed something to relate to tonight and i found it in her new album ..  "Dirty Laundry" Jesus Mother Fucking Christ,

"preach it"

Also,

2. SFV LP "PT SEX"  "tits" ironic as fuck, but .. (tit's nonetheless)
3. "I Cry" ft. Gemma Dunleavy 
4. Space of time - "you don't fade"

COMEDY:

Louis CK
1."Why?"
2. "Stupid Facebook Post's"
3. "Somebody for Everyone"


Intense but enlightening:
Inside The Actors Studio - Dave Chappelle  (wowww?) 
Inside the mind of a genius that can't deal, & stay's keeping it real, beyond his control.
  
Some Woody Allen?
Yes Please.  

Rolling Stone magazine from April 9, 1987
 "Someone once asked me if my dream was to live on in the hearts of people, and I said I would prefer to live on in my apartment." 
I can relate.

Woody Allen on Paying rent in NYC, i hear ya ..
"Hey listen — I've proved a lot of things. That's how I pay my rent. Theories and little observations. A puckish remark now and then. Occasional maxims. It beats picking olives, but let's not get carried away."   

Hey, New York City... "this right here"

"You know, the whole American culture is going down the drain, you can't turn on a television set and see anything, or walk in the street and not find garbage, or neighborhoods that were formerly beautiful now have McDonald's in them, and it's all a part of an enormous degeneration of culture in the United States. People that exist in that culture are forced to make moral decisions all the time about their lives, their occupations, their love-lives, and they make decisions that are commensurate with what's happening to them in this culture, and it's too bad that that's happening because that's what Manhattan is about, that New York used to be such a great city, so wonderful, and it has to fight every day for its survival against the encroachment of all this terrible ugliness that is gradually overcoming all the big cities in America.

This ugliness comes from a culture that has no spiritual center, a culture that has money and education, but no sense of being at peace with the world, no sense of purpose in life. They don't know what they're doing, or why they're here. They have no religious center, they have no philosophical center, and so they act, they do what's expedient at the moment. They have no long view of society. They only have the view of quick money, and kill the pain of the moment, and so instead of dealing with the real problems that exist, that are complicated, they sweep them under the rug by turning on the television set, or taking cocaine, or doing many things that enable them to escape confrontation with the unpleasant realities of the world."  

INTERVIEWER

Were you funny as a kid?

ALLEN

Yes, I was an amusing youngster. Incidentally, people always relate that to being raised Jewish. It’s a myth. Many great funnymen were not Jewish: W. C. Fields, Jonathan Winters, Bob Hope, Buster Keaton . . . I never saw any connection between ethnicity or religion or race and humor.

INTERVIEWER

Were you asked to perform at school functions?

ALLEN

I didn’t perform a lot, but I was amusing in class, among friends and teachers.

INTERVIEWER

So it wasn’t the sort of humor that would upset the authorities?

ALLEN

Sometimes it was, yes. My mother was called to school frequently because I was yelling out things in class, quips in class, and because I would hand in compositions that they thought were in poor taste, or too sexual. Many, many times she was called to school.

I always thought me not being a Jew was the missing link....

INTERVIEWER

When you’re writing, do you think about your audience? Updike, for instance, once said that he liked to think of a young kid in a small Midwestern town finding one of his books on a shelf at a public library.

ALLEN

I’ve always felt that I try to aim as high as I can at the time, not to reach everybody, because I know that I can’t do that, but always to try to stretch myself. I’d like to feel, when I’ve finished a film, that intelligent adults, whether they’re scientists or philosophers, could go in and see it and not come out and feel that it was a total waste of time. That they wouldn’t say, Jesus, what did you get me into? If I went in to see Rambo, I’d say, Oh, God, and then after a few minutes I’d leave. Size of audience is irrelevant to me. The more the better, but not if I have to change my ideas to seduce them.


"I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers"
#WoodyAllen #preach

I had this math teacher once...... 



Thats it. 
Bye.
 

Master P said, "Be Bout it - Bout it" .. So, I am? Are you?

Twisting & turning
Your feelings are burning
You're breaking the girl
She meant you no harm
Think you're so clever
But now you must sever
You're breaking the girl
He loves no one else

It's hard to address certain aspects of yourself in general, whether it be out loud, or whether you say it to yourself every evening before you go to sleep and every morning when you wake up to see a new day. Having always been a rather outspoken, free spirit kind of person It is hard for me to admit out loud that i allowed another person to control me, scare me and manipulate me into exile for almost one whole year of my life. It is hard to admit that i willingly allowed someone to break me down, drain me mentally and physically on a daily basis. 

No one had ever questioned me or made me feel bad for having an agenda, interest's or certain belief's until him. There were times i wanted to create an anonymous blog about my situation and hopefully inspire other women or other individuals in general.

I have been through my share of traumatic experiences in New York City, it's almost scary how numb i have become, it's hard to get a good rise out of me these days. I have been mugged twice, I have had my apartment broken into once and just this past Friday, i caught a man trying to jiggle his way into my room through my semi cracked window.

I felt no feelings of hesitation what so ever, I keep a knife, oven cleaner and mace next to my bed. I'm a small person living in a big city. I immediately was able to jump up, pull my curtain away and look this jerk off right in the eye and i asked him what the fuck he thought he was doing, oven cleaner in hand.

Oven cleaner ... people don't come back from that.

This man almost looked confused as to why i wasn't screaming and crying verses me asking him what the fuck was up. He stepped back from my window. I watched him turn right, so i made my way to the entrance of my loft to see that he was really fucking off.

Our eyes met again in the entrance. He told me that he needed to get inside the building because he lives across the hall, I told him he was full of shit because i know everyone that lives across the hall. Then he switched up his story. He then asked me if he could come in and just use my phone and that he would give me his driver license in exchange. I had to really laugh, I really did, I laughed. 

I said, "what good will your driver license do for me when I'm dead and your wearing my skin?" 

I was more disgusted by the lack of effort made on his part to break into my home and his choice of words when  given a second chance to try and get in my home verbally, then i was by the actual situation.

Fuck, if you want to be a criminal, do it .. but be about it bout it. It is almost like no one actually ever does what they set out to do anymore. There is no real effort put forth toward anything anymore. No proper game plan. Fuck a plan B or C, No one ever really has Plan A figured out. If you are going to  consciously accept and justify robbing and or harming another human being, be about it bout it. 

I know when my boy Master P said be about it bout it, i listened.

I'm listening Master P.

The second time i got mugged was 3 years ago at Port Authority on a Friday Night around 2am, not a smart move made on my part by being around 9th avenue in midtown during criminal activity as hell hours of the evening. 

Nonetheless,

I was actually mugged by a group of 5 kids, they didn't look a day over 17. It was totally like a gang ignition or something, but really? It took five of you to rob a little 5'2 white chick? I had to ask them, why such reinforcement was needed. I also said "your gang must suck" and i then asked if i could at least have my fucking apartment keys, one of them threw them at me while fleeing from the incident. It was the least they could do after performing such a sham operation.

Going off on a tangent, as usual.

Coincidentally...

--> As I was leaving the local internet café just about an hour ago, (this internet café happens to be the particular internet café in which I do the majority of the writing for this ridiculous blog. Three loud drunk men come in and sit at the counter (beers are also served at this particular internet café), so I'm guessing that was their main intention of coming in.
In a five minute span of time, the following subjects were touched upon amongst these “gents”


(1). One of the gentlemen recalls the last time he had been to this internet café…
& I Quote:
“I was so fuckin hammaaaared the last time I was here, I pissed on my wife as we was leaving out the door”

(2). The second gentleman had some good news to tell the other gentleman, 1. That he didn’t have herpes 2. He didn’t really care either way, because “its not like someone could pin me down as the one who did it to you” and also “fuck a slut if she down with a guy she don’t know like that”
All of a sudden one of the employees approached the gentleman and said “this conversation being had this loud, is not good for business”
All three of the gentleman took a look around, they noticed that I was what they were referring to as “other business” because I was the only other human there.

Then,
(3).. The third gentleman yells to me, “oow ya sorry, that’s life ya know”. So I replied, “wasn’t paying attention at all, not offended what so ever”. This got him upset of course so he asked me what kind of sandwich I was having and I said “A roast beef sandwich” & of course …. He responds, “how appropriate” and of course, being fed up as it is already I had this to say:

"OHHH GOOOOD ONE, BOOOOO ..ROAST BEEF VAGINA CONNECTION, REAL ORIGINAL.. I’M TOTALLY CREEPED OUT, YOU REALLY GOT ME ON THAT ONE YOU BAD DIRTY OLD MAN, PLEASE .. ALL THREE OF YOU ARE BASIC, BASIC LOCALS WITH STANDARD, UNORIGINAL SOCIAL FLAWS. NOT IMPRESSED, MAYBE SLIGHTLY DISSAPOINTED."

So, they left.

As I was before and still am currently even prior to those three idiots five minute time slot in my evening, still…. NOT IMPRESSED.
You want to be a dirty old man, well have more offensive comments, go into just a tiny bit more depth, details, anything. Make a fucking hand gesture at least to go along with it, that’s all you go? You look about 60, I assume you have been a giant arrogant dillhole for a good portion of your time on this earth so far, BE CREATIVE.


I sometimes don't know whether or not my tough, callused exterior and high tolerance for creepy, unusual behavior is a good or bad thing.

In other words, "Sweet, I'm finally completely dead on the inside" or "Maybe New York City has made me a tougher person, maybe there is a reason why i have been faced with such trials and tribulations... maybe it's some sort of fucked up boot camp for people that eventually make the cut."

I can only think positively about my struggles at this point, in general. I have truly fell in love with inconvenience.
I know this sounds crazy, but i really mean it.
If you aren't faced with such inconveniences or set backs, how will you ever learn to enjoy and appreciate the simple things in life?

Like Hot Water, The ability to boil water on a stove & finding a person that will go down on you at least three mornings a week before work.

You must first loose all of those things in order to understand how amazing the little things are in life that we take for granite everyday..

like, Freedom. (to an extent)

Getting back to the point, gradually...


I am as of May 16, 2013 finally "technically free" from one of the most horrifying, emotionally and physically debilitating situations i have ever not had the pleasure of taking part in. Not only did i not have the pleasure, i didn't have a choice either.

I was in a relationship that was more like jail.
I got lost.
I no longer had interest's,hobbies, i no longer enjoyed the things i had once enjoyed. All i was ever concerned with was making it through the day without upsetting him or having him threaten to get me fired from my job, sabotage my relationships with friends or reveal private information to my parents that he found via invading all my privacy. If I didn't answer his calls, he would start calling my job excessively.
Emails by the dozen.
Long, crazy text messages.
I was so afraid at work to not answer his texts, which i also had an incredibly up my ass, micro manager boss and even looking at my phone gave me anxiety .. "Damned if i did.. Damned if i didn't"

I was working 7 days a week, exhausted.
Barely making ends meet, a zombie walking through life, hardly sleeping.
Always in a daze, incoherent ..detached.

I woke up everyday knowing that I got myself stuck in a very bad situation and it was going to take some seriously clever planning to get my way out of it. For a person who had never once gave a shit about what other's had to say, an individual an extrovert... was now being dragged by the ankles daily by means of threats, lack of sleep and constant questioning.. I was 25 years old, explaining three times why i wanted to go to the gym, the deli or even tanning.
Wanting to just go about life freely how i once had, was macerating.

I took my life for granite.
I took my friends, family, music and everything that made me, ME for granite.

I complained alot about my life before him, i was materialistic, i never said please or thank you, i was always wanting more.
It took someone robbing me of my life to make me realize how much i really LOVED my life, ME ...

That's why i love the movie "It's a wonderful life" so much.

I was George Bailey, though i had always loved with all my heart and genuinely cared about other humans, which is almost debilitating .... I still took life for granite.

After completely ending things with him in February and having him book his plane ticket to a place far enough away to ease my mind, i slowly began to get my life back, i started to write again, i started to laugh again, get in touch with old friends..see my parents again...

But, had i never had my life dangled in front of me daily, I may have never started to love and appreciate each day. Regardless of the set backs.

After filing a court order of protection and not being able to serve him the papers to finalize it because he kept moving, he showed up to my apartment on Thursday of last week, and i had a binder with plastic inserts all ready for the cops and proof of my struggle... court papers, the password to my laptop, email accounts and the journal i kept during the whole experience, because i didn't know if i would be dead or alive when he finally showed up.

which, i knew he would and i was ready.

My life means something to me, I mean something to me and unfortunately it took this type of situation to reveal all of this to me.

I wanted my life back.
so i had no other choice but to be "bout it bout it"
down to a science.

Like Shaw Shank Redemption, slowly but surely, cleverly calculating every move ... escaping through shit, just to be free.
Free to live my life.


I will always have to watch my back, i will always feel a burn in my chest when the door opens at my apartment. I will always be slightly guarded.

Because, I love life too much.

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