Woody Allen, Louis C.K, Kelly Rowland, New Beats & Inspiration...

Real Talk,
Posted up at the shadiest table possible at my local bar spot.
Having myself a day, a bad one.

When you get older and you have been on your own for a significant amount of time, bad days are just bad days. You have your local spot, you post up .. no words are exchanged concerning your stand offish behavior, because everyone already knows..
"well shes just having a day......"

Thats New York City.
A lot of people dealing, indepedantly to best of their abilities the only way they know how....

So in other words im doing me,
Found a few "pick me up" gem's via the internet tonight.

Comedy & Beat's
What else?

Here's a few things you might enjoy.

1. Kelly Rowland dropped a SERIOUS bomb music wise, still floored.... pleasantly suprised, needed something to relate to tonight and i found it in her new album ..  "Dirty Laundry" Jesus Mother Fucking Christ,

"preach it"

Also,

2. SFV LP "PT SEX"  "tits" ironic as fuck, but .. (tit's nonetheless)
3. "I Cry" ft. Gemma Dunleavy 
4. Space of time - "you don't fade"

COMEDY:

Louis CK
1."Why?"
2. "Stupid Facebook Post's"
3. "Somebody for Everyone"


Intense but enlightening:
Inside The Actors Studio - Dave Chappelle  (wowww?) 
Inside the mind of a genius that can't deal, & stay's keeping it real, beyond his control.
  
Some Woody Allen?
Yes Please.  

Rolling Stone magazine from April 9, 1987
 "Someone once asked me if my dream was to live on in the hearts of people, and I said I would prefer to live on in my apartment." 
I can relate.

Woody Allen on Paying rent in NYC, i hear ya ..
"Hey listen — I've proved a lot of things. That's how I pay my rent. Theories and little observations. A puckish remark now and then. Occasional maxims. It beats picking olives, but let's not get carried away."   

Hey, New York City... "this right here"

"You know, the whole American culture is going down the drain, you can't turn on a television set and see anything, or walk in the street and not find garbage, or neighborhoods that were formerly beautiful now have McDonald's in them, and it's all a part of an enormous degeneration of culture in the United States. People that exist in that culture are forced to make moral decisions all the time about their lives, their occupations, their love-lives, and they make decisions that are commensurate with what's happening to them in this culture, and it's too bad that that's happening because that's what Manhattan is about, that New York used to be such a great city, so wonderful, and it has to fight every day for its survival against the encroachment of all this terrible ugliness that is gradually overcoming all the big cities in America.

This ugliness comes from a culture that has no spiritual center, a culture that has money and education, but no sense of being at peace with the world, no sense of purpose in life. They don't know what they're doing, or why they're here. They have no religious center, they have no philosophical center, and so they act, they do what's expedient at the moment. They have no long view of society. They only have the view of quick money, and kill the pain of the moment, and so instead of dealing with the real problems that exist, that are complicated, they sweep them under the rug by turning on the television set, or taking cocaine, or doing many things that enable them to escape confrontation with the unpleasant realities of the world."  

INTERVIEWER

Were you funny as a kid?

ALLEN

Yes, I was an amusing youngster. Incidentally, people always relate that to being raised Jewish. It’s a myth. Many great funnymen were not Jewish: W. C. Fields, Jonathan Winters, Bob Hope, Buster Keaton . . . I never saw any connection between ethnicity or religion or race and humor.

INTERVIEWER

Were you asked to perform at school functions?

ALLEN

I didn’t perform a lot, but I was amusing in class, among friends and teachers.

INTERVIEWER

So it wasn’t the sort of humor that would upset the authorities?

ALLEN

Sometimes it was, yes. My mother was called to school frequently because I was yelling out things in class, quips in class, and because I would hand in compositions that they thought were in poor taste, or too sexual. Many, many times she was called to school.

I always thought me not being a Jew was the missing link....

INTERVIEWER

When you’re writing, do you think about your audience? Updike, for instance, once said that he liked to think of a young kid in a small Midwestern town finding one of his books on a shelf at a public library.

ALLEN

I’ve always felt that I try to aim as high as I can at the time, not to reach everybody, because I know that I can’t do that, but always to try to stretch myself. I’d like to feel, when I’ve finished a film, that intelligent adults, whether they’re scientists or philosophers, could go in and see it and not come out and feel that it was a total waste of time. That they wouldn’t say, Jesus, what did you get me into? If I went in to see Rambo, I’d say, Oh, God, and then after a few minutes I’d leave. Size of audience is irrelevant to me. The more the better, but not if I have to change my ideas to seduce them.


"I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers"
#WoodyAllen #preach

I had this math teacher once...... 



Thats it. 
Bye.
 

Master P said, "Be Bout it - Bout it" .. So, I am? Are you?

Twisting & turning
Your feelings are burning
You're breaking the girl
She meant you no harm
Think you're so clever
But now you must sever
You're breaking the girl
He loves no one else

It's hard to address certain aspects of yourself in general, whether it be out loud, or whether you say it to yourself every evening before you go to sleep and every morning when you wake up to see a new day. Having always been a rather outspoken, free spirit kind of person It is hard for me to admit out loud that i allowed another person to control me, scare me and manipulate me into exile for almost one whole year of my life. It is hard to admit that i willingly allowed someone to break me down, drain me mentally and physically on a daily basis. 

No one had ever questioned me or made me feel bad for having an agenda, interest's or certain belief's until him. There were times i wanted to create an anonymous blog about my situation and hopefully inspire other women or other individuals in general.

I have been through my share of traumatic experiences in New York City, it's almost scary how numb i have become, it's hard to get a good rise out of me these days. I have been mugged twice, I have had my apartment broken into once and just this past Friday, i caught a man trying to jiggle his way into my room through my semi cracked window.

I felt no feelings of hesitation what so ever, I keep a knife, oven cleaner and mace next to my bed. I'm a small person living in a big city. I immediately was able to jump up, pull my curtain away and look this jerk off right in the eye and i asked him what the fuck he thought he was doing, oven cleaner in hand.

Oven cleaner ... people don't come back from that.

This man almost looked confused as to why i wasn't screaming and crying verses me asking him what the fuck was up. He stepped back from my window. I watched him turn right, so i made my way to the entrance of my loft to see that he was really fucking off.

Our eyes met again in the entrance. He told me that he needed to get inside the building because he lives across the hall, I told him he was full of shit because i know everyone that lives across the hall. Then he switched up his story. He then asked me if he could come in and just use my phone and that he would give me his driver license in exchange. I had to really laugh, I really did, I laughed. 

I said, "what good will your driver license do for me when I'm dead and your wearing my skin?" 

I was more disgusted by the lack of effort made on his part to break into my home and his choice of words when  given a second chance to try and get in my home verbally, then i was by the actual situation.

Fuck, if you want to be a criminal, do it .. but be about it bout it. It is almost like no one actually ever does what they set out to do anymore. There is no real effort put forth toward anything anymore. No proper game plan. Fuck a plan B or C, No one ever really has Plan A figured out. If you are going to  consciously accept and justify robbing and or harming another human being, be about it bout it. 

I know when my boy Master P said be about it bout it, i listened.

I'm listening Master P.

The second time i got mugged was 3 years ago at Port Authority on a Friday Night around 2am, not a smart move made on my part by being around 9th avenue in midtown during criminal activity as hell hours of the evening. 

Nonetheless,

I was actually mugged by a group of 5 kids, they didn't look a day over 17. It was totally like a gang ignition or something, but really? It took five of you to rob a little 5'2 white chick? I had to ask them, why such reinforcement was needed. I also said "your gang must suck" and i then asked if i could at least have my fucking apartment keys, one of them threw them at me while fleeing from the incident. It was the least they could do after performing such a sham operation.

Going off on a tangent, as usual.

Coincidentally...

--> As I was leaving the local internet café just about an hour ago, (this internet café happens to be the particular internet café in which I do the majority of the writing for this ridiculous blog. Three loud drunk men come in and sit at the counter (beers are also served at this particular internet café), so I'm guessing that was their main intention of coming in.
In a five minute span of time, the following subjects were touched upon amongst these “gents”


(1). One of the gentlemen recalls the last time he had been to this internet café…
& I Quote:
“I was so fuckin hammaaaared the last time I was here, I pissed on my wife as we was leaving out the door”

(2). The second gentleman had some good news to tell the other gentleman, 1. That he didn’t have herpes 2. He didn’t really care either way, because “its not like someone could pin me down as the one who did it to you” and also “fuck a slut if she down with a guy she don’t know like that”
All of a sudden one of the employees approached the gentleman and said “this conversation being had this loud, is not good for business”
All three of the gentleman took a look around, they noticed that I was what they were referring to as “other business” because I was the only other human there.

Then,
(3).. The third gentleman yells to me, “oow ya sorry, that’s life ya know”. So I replied, “wasn’t paying attention at all, not offended what so ever”. This got him upset of course so he asked me what kind of sandwich I was having and I said “A roast beef sandwich” & of course …. He responds, “how appropriate” and of course, being fed up as it is already I had this to say:

"OHHH GOOOOD ONE, BOOOOO ..ROAST BEEF VAGINA CONNECTION, REAL ORIGINAL.. I’M TOTALLY CREEPED OUT, YOU REALLY GOT ME ON THAT ONE YOU BAD DIRTY OLD MAN, PLEASE .. ALL THREE OF YOU ARE BASIC, BASIC LOCALS WITH STANDARD, UNORIGINAL SOCIAL FLAWS. NOT IMPRESSED, MAYBE SLIGHTLY DISSAPOINTED."

So, they left.

As I was before and still am currently even prior to those three idiots five minute time slot in my evening, still…. NOT IMPRESSED.
You want to be a dirty old man, well have more offensive comments, go into just a tiny bit more depth, details, anything. Make a fucking hand gesture at least to go along with it, that’s all you go? You look about 60, I assume you have been a giant arrogant dillhole for a good portion of your time on this earth so far, BE CREATIVE.


I sometimes don't know whether or not my tough, callused exterior and high tolerance for creepy, unusual behavior is a good or bad thing.

In other words, "Sweet, I'm finally completely dead on the inside" or "Maybe New York City has made me a tougher person, maybe there is a reason why i have been faced with such trials and tribulations... maybe it's some sort of fucked up boot camp for people that eventually make the cut."

I can only think positively about my struggles at this point, in general. I have truly fell in love with inconvenience.
I know this sounds crazy, but i really mean it.
If you aren't faced with such inconveniences or set backs, how will you ever learn to enjoy and appreciate the simple things in life?

Like Hot Water, The ability to boil water on a stove & finding a person that will go down on you at least three mornings a week before work.

You must first loose all of those things in order to understand how amazing the little things are in life that we take for granite everyday..

like, Freedom. (to an extent)

Getting back to the point, gradually...


I am as of May 16, 2013 finally "technically free" from one of the most horrifying, emotionally and physically debilitating situations i have ever not had the pleasure of taking part in. Not only did i not have the pleasure, i didn't have a choice either.

I was in a relationship that was more like jail.
I got lost.
I no longer had interest's,hobbies, i no longer enjoyed the things i had once enjoyed. All i was ever concerned with was making it through the day without upsetting him or having him threaten to get me fired from my job, sabotage my relationships with friends or reveal private information to my parents that he found via invading all my privacy. If I didn't answer his calls, he would start calling my job excessively.
Emails by the dozen.
Long, crazy text messages.
I was so afraid at work to not answer his texts, which i also had an incredibly up my ass, micro manager boss and even looking at my phone gave me anxiety .. "Damned if i did.. Damned if i didn't"

I was working 7 days a week, exhausted.
Barely making ends meet, a zombie walking through life, hardly sleeping.
Always in a daze, incoherent ..detached.

I woke up everyday knowing that I got myself stuck in a very bad situation and it was going to take some seriously clever planning to get my way out of it. For a person who had never once gave a shit about what other's had to say, an individual an extrovert... was now being dragged by the ankles daily by means of threats, lack of sleep and constant questioning.. I was 25 years old, explaining three times why i wanted to go to the gym, the deli or even tanning.
Wanting to just go about life freely how i once had, was macerating.

I took my life for granite.
I took my friends, family, music and everything that made me, ME for granite.

I complained alot about my life before him, i was materialistic, i never said please or thank you, i was always wanting more.
It took someone robbing me of my life to make me realize how much i really LOVED my life, ME ...

That's why i love the movie "It's a wonderful life" so much.

I was George Bailey, though i had always loved with all my heart and genuinely cared about other humans, which is almost debilitating .... I still took life for granite.

After completely ending things with him in February and having him book his plane ticket to a place far enough away to ease my mind, i slowly began to get my life back, i started to write again, i started to laugh again, get in touch with old friends..see my parents again...

But, had i never had my life dangled in front of me daily, I may have never started to love and appreciate each day. Regardless of the set backs.

After filing a court order of protection and not being able to serve him the papers to finalize it because he kept moving, he showed up to my apartment on Thursday of last week, and i had a binder with plastic inserts all ready for the cops and proof of my struggle... court papers, the password to my laptop, email accounts and the journal i kept during the whole experience, because i didn't know if i would be dead or alive when he finally showed up.

which, i knew he would and i was ready.

My life means something to me, I mean something to me and unfortunately it took this type of situation to reveal all of this to me.

I wanted my life back.
so i had no other choice but to be "bout it bout it"
down to a science.

Like Shaw Shank Redemption, slowly but surely, cleverly calculating every move ... escaping through shit, just to be free.
Free to live my life.


I will always have to watch my back, i will always feel a burn in my chest when the door opens at my apartment. I will always be slightly guarded.

Because, I love life too much.

-->

It's Sunday, I Have Some Things To Say.

First things first,
some annoying things I overheard in Williamsburg when I accidentally made the terrible mistake of forgetting to bring along my phone charger on one of my two hour long back pack, soul searching journeys.

1. "Omg my Tomagachie died again"
2. "When i first moved to the neighborhood i was actually totally taken back by the fact that there was a Tasti D Lite on bedford avenue, the whole appeal of this neighborhood is how "non corpy" it is..... I mean, I just felt a little taken back... but really"
3. "I just love not knowing, you know .. that's why i go thrifting, like someone could have had the best night ever in this dress but like.. or not.."
4. "I mean he is my dad, but like not a dad, dad like something more than that."


I hate that i heard someone say "go thrifting" in general.

Tasti D Lite?? really, because I'm pretty sure there is a Duane Reade, American Apparel and a Brooklyn Industries in that very same neighborhood. Also, "non corpy",  when i heard that statement i had to pick up the pass and knock in between this girl and her friend and speed walk two blocks ahead of them.

Like, i get it ... I live here. I make the conscious effort to live here, wear flannel and to proclaim my authenticity, but like .. for fuck sake.

Greenpoint's very own Community Adopted Adult Child

I'd take your business card, but I actually just dump all of my money,credit cards and prescription pills into the largest compartment of my purse and leave it wide open at all times and hope for the best, If i can retain your contact information for more than two subway transfers, perhaps it was meant to be.

I'm never on time, but i never mind staying late.

I like institutes that challenge the norm, thats why my bar closes at 6:30am verses 3:30, on the road to life, there is no last calls.

I don't have a facebook, so until at least one of your third party friend's meets me in person, i dont actually even exist. "Seeing is believing"

.. too be continued.

Next Level Playlist for you Whiskey & Spliff style Morning Runners

Woke up at 6:00 am today with only THE best of intentions, checked my iPhone for the weather update, put my spandex on accordingly, recovered my sneakers from where they had been hiding under a pile of clothes, after ripping my room into shreds in the efforts to find them. 

All of a sudden, I hear the clasp on my window box start to jiggle (I live in a ground level apartment - so yeah that isn't supposed to happen). 

I look up from tying my left shoe and i see a creepy bald, redish looking polish man creeping in on me.

 

I immediately grabbed for my survival kit, my "mystery" clutch that contains two knives, mace and an almost full can of oven cleaner, (which is kept under my right pillow) I was told once that "ain't no body coming back from oven cleaner in their eyes." So i took this advice to heart and went and got some oven cleaner.

Just a little girl living alone, fighting my own weird little battles.

Again, I found myself alone. No one to back me, so i got to it right quick and took out my essentials. I saw that he was walking toward the other room where the bigger windows were so i tore threw my bedroom door and met him just there.

He like completely puzzled by the result of my flight or fright reaction, which was totally leaning more toward flight & or run outside like the matrix, spray oven cleaner in his eyes and stab him right in the forehead with one of my mothers stainless steal Williams and Sonoma butcher knives i ganked last visit. 

Good thing i thought, i knew i would have to shank someone around here. It got a little to quiet for me in my neighborhood. This Spanish chick named Leslie once told me that her neighborhood which was Spanish Harlem was way less scary than my neighborhood because people were always around and lively and it was the quiet neighborhoods that should make you afraid, her exact words were "what is everyone being so quiet about, who about to pull a drive by?"

Having retained this information, i take notice of when my hood seems to be on the rather quiet side and i prepare for war, knifes all up in the bed... oven cleaner at an arms length. 

When people try and tell me something that they think i might need to know for the future, i always make special note of it espescially living in New York City and being mad single and living in a 6 bedroom loft alone. Sure, there might be many hiding places, but .. you know how that ends up.

Anyways .. back to super creep:   

I asked him, "what the fuck do you want banging on people's door's at 6am you fucking animal?" (direct quote)

He told me he lived across the hall and gave the wrong address and i told him "oh hell no, those are my homeboys across the hall and you do not live there."

Then he asked if he could use my phone real quick, in return he would offer me his drivers liscence and i asked him what good that would do me when i was dead and skinned and being worn in some polish elk's club dinner in Maspeth, Queens.

He told me i was right, which clearly I was.

"Stranger Danger"

"Stranger Danger"

My heart was racing, this jerk off had really ruined my morning motivation.

It wasn't until i walked into a better situation.

  Walking into the center of living room of my giant lonely loft, I then took sight of a giant unsmocked spliff that had been clearly left out of the kitchen table from the night before. Now i am not one to smoke weed (surprisingly) 

But.... Everything in this house that is a substance (at least) should belong to me, no words exhanched, just because money and dues are owed to me by the others as if  being cheap was a major offered in college and they had both recieved their Phd's.

So i do what i want, in a "sorry im not sorry fashion"

I thought well, fuck, shit, piss, damn ect.

 If I am going to be disrespectful and lay the law down once and a while, this would be an ideal opportunity to say the least. 

I finished tying the neon laces on my nike’s  and sat deep back into contemplation in one of the kitchen chair's, propped my feet right up on that  table. 

Holding this giant blunt in the middle of my face and thought to myself how I really have never been much of a weed person. Especially before engaging in athletic activities and how unlike me this behavior actually was, but then again falling asleep mid masturbation on ambien had once not been "me" either. 

Table made of old skateboards in my travel

I was down. Plus i had never looked at graffiti stoned before.

It was clear this journey was going to need a soundtrack.

 I figured, fuck it .. Ill smoke this spliff and ill take a different kind of run.

 Noticing out from the corner of my eye their was about a shot of whiskey or two in an almost empty bottle Wild Turkey bottle directly to the right of me.

 I indugled further, take notice this was at approx. 8:17am. Slightly tipsy and completely blazed, I was all ready for this scenic run.  Feeling a little different about my state of being, I thought this experience would go much more smoothly to an eclectic playlist from a mixture of different generes. 

Just because I knew I was going to be feeling all sorts of ways throughout this run. I needed to be prepared, passing sober people on their way to work being blazed out of my mind speeding past the Church Street bound G stop Entry, enduring looks, (or thinking this much at least). I sat propped up, smoking that spliff, I took a few candid mirror shots on my iphone and got down to business formulating a good playlist for this type of situation, a situation I was over thinking for sure, but nonetheless …. 

A good playlist was coming out of this, it was early in the day and I had some time to spend which has become a treasured rarety in my life recently. 

I got to disrespect my roommate who has caused nothing but drama for two months, I was really relaxed and vibing out, open mind, clear thoughts, the right time to compile this clever playlist.

I was in no doubt really feeling myself at this point. 

Sadly, i took a few candid selfies of myself and once i had completed this STELLAR playlist i set off on my all morning journey. A few Graffiti artist's to check up on, a few other females in running clothes to compare myself to, I was out kids.

This playlist has a lot going on, I hope your ready for all these emotions.

I took risks.

The outcome was rather awesome.

It went a little like this......

 I did just this……

The title of my Playlist: “Sorry I’m Not Sorry Dicks”

 It's an odd mixture, but you'll understand why, just try not to think about it too much, don't think about anything too much.

EB. White Graffiti Artist in Brooklyn

Tripel Graffiti / Stencil Artist's in Brookyn

Always something new to discover

Hilarious, i have no idea who is responsible for this.

 Playlist <3 Enjoy Kids:

         1.Dreams – Fleetwood Mac

         2.Black Betty- Ram Jam   just screams disrespect & as I explained that was what I was going for  

        3.Sweet Emotion – Aerosmith (Steady pace going)

4.  Black Water – The Doobie Brothers

5.  Wheel in the sky – Journey (always hesitant to admit I actually like journey) here it goes

6.  Somebody to love – Jefferson Airplane

7.  The Passenger – Iggy Pop (for all “duh” purposes)

8.   Smalltown Boy – Bronski Beat (just trust me)

9.  One Way or Another – Blondie (b/c I was going to be smoking that spliff one way or another)

10. Hot Stuff 12” Version – Donna Summer (b/c I never drink whiskey or smoke full blunts so I felt all hot, wild and what have you)

11.              Stepping out – Joe Jackson (who really knows why actually, but it works.)

12.              Dancing with Myself – Billy Idol “Duh”

13.              The look – Roxette

14.              Land of confusion – Genesis

15.              Relax – Frankie goes to Hollywood

16.              Love my Way – Psychedelic Furs (key to mix) PAY ATTENTION

17.              Girls on Film – Duran Duran ... What kind of mix would this be with out Duran Duran, not one at all.

18.              Self Control – Laura Branigan

19.              December – Collective Soul

20.              Fly Away – Lenny Kravitz fly away with pot that doesnt belong to you & do it with poise & grace.

21.              Peaches – Presidents of the United States

22.              Jump – Kriss Kross  I refuse to explain this one.

23.              Ava Adore – Smashing Pumpkins for those with those good ol' daddy issues.. aint mad atcha

24.              TLC – no scrubs your best than it keep running, keep that body girl no scrubs up in hur.

25.              Mereditch Brooks – Bitch ha, this is just for me... i'm the bitch.

26.              Sanctuary- Sbtrkt Taking and electronic twist, roll with it.

27.              Tycho- Coastal Break

28.              Daft  Punk- Derezzed a little motivation from Daft Punk never a bad idea.

29.              Grum – Cant Shake this feeling

30.              Blackbird Black Bird- All

31.              Airhead – Wait

32.              Night Shift in blue – Jonti

33.              Little Dragon – Ritual Union

34.              Beni – Love Scene

35.              Rustie – After light One of my personal fav's keep it moving.

36.              Kiasmos – Thrown

37.              Mimosa – Psychedelic Stereo (anything produced by mimosa tends to be pretty awesome)

38.              CFCF- Exercise for spirit

(finale – because you should excersise for spirit but to the right kind of flow)

In my travels.

I'm not saying i had GREAT intentions for making this playlist, It was more of a get even playlist but i got into it.