Let me start of by saying, I'm sorry.
Before i explain what i am sorry for exactly, let me just tell all of you how much i appreciated your emails and the fact that you guys actually missed me, it felt really to see that my words were missed and that when i was keeping up with this blog consistently, it was a positive comforting escape for all of you. It was my escape as well.
Right now I am currently at the end of my 4 month long jail sentence here on the Jersey Shore, So I haven't been doing much worrying in Brooklyn as i should be. But good news me and all my weird problems will be back in Greenpoint January 1st, worrying a little less....
I started a new blog & I didn't have the courage to tell any of you about that new blog because to me this blog represented hope, insight and incentive for those such as myself to keep going in this world, no matter how bad things might get, there is a reason why you are here. You owe it to yourself to make mistakes, learn from your mistakes and listen to only THE best of the BEST music while doing so.
Emotions were never my thing, communicating my feelings without sarcasm has always been a huge issue for me, thats where music always came in and saved the day. Like i have mentioned in several entries before "If you can't find the words to say, don't worry you'll find the lyrics that will".
I started this blog during a very hard time period in my life, i was dead broke, struggling to make ends meets, blisters on my feet, dark circles under my eyes and I was barely surviving physically and mentally. This blog as well as some good music kept me alive, got me to bed at night through hunger pains and tears. Soothed my lonely soul. This laptop was my drinking buddy, my down ass friend that sat beside me at the Mark Bar every night while i poured my heart out almost daily.
I thought if i could make it through it, so could everyone else.
I also gained a lot of followers when i revealed my struggle in dealing with my baby brother's drug addiction, through my efforts to understand him, what he was going through and what it was like to be addicted to heroin i found several amazing poets, musicians and authors who were able to help me along my journey to relate. My last post was about my baby brother's graduation. He made it to graduation he looked adorable. It was one of the best days of my family's life.
I must admit the first time i actually read my emails from this blog or even took a look at this blog was probably the last time i updated it, which was in July. After hearing that i had inspired so many people and offered them hope while battling the addiction of a loved one, i couldnt bare to tell all of you that i had lost the fight.
Unfortunately fellow blog fam,
On August 30th around 5:30 pm I opened the door to Casey's bedroom and found that he had passed away. All my hope and intentions fell to the floor and I didn't want any of you to give up the fight, because i never did. As long as you know you did everything that you could have possibly done you can't fault yourself. I know my brother passed away knowing how much I loved him and how much I will always love him.
I started a blog on tumblr: "Cause for Casey Low" your welcome to check it out, maybe read some of my entries to your loved ones that are struggling with addiction, my point in creating that blog was to reveal my experience and pain with others with the hope that even if it were just one person out of a million, someone might think about their older sister or family and how their death might effect them.
Casey would have never wanted me to find him that way, we loved each other very much. We never fought, we never wanted to hurt each other.
Whatever it's a good read, as per usual its honest and right the point. It's a little toned down though because a lot of parents read it.
I have been writing a lot again recently, which is why i forced myself to revisit this blog and all my entries. I have an amazing therapist who has really helped me through my grieving process, i had mentioned to her that I was able to view this blog for the first time in months last night and how it made me realize a lot of things.
Life was a shit show before Casey passed away, I was not perfect. I was no where near it. I kinda hope I never even get close to being perfect. Since Casey's passing i have felt all responsible for owning up and becoming this goody goody, but I am not. I really am not, that is not what i am about and it isn't what i want to project. I don't sell drugs, i don't do hard drugs .. but I'm a bit of a lush that has an undying love and loyalty to my local bar in Greenpoint.
I don't think i can remain pg13 because life isn't pg13 it's rated RRRRR, look you can try and put the child controls on life all you want but eventually everyone is faced with cruel harsh reality, I think a lot of kids these days have the problems they do because the world has adapted this whole passive parenting technique. Don't hit your kids, don't tell your kids they are wrong, get a chicken pox vaccination.
KIDS NEED CHICKEN POX, THEY NEED THAT EXPERIENCE.
KIDS NEED TO BE BULLIED A LITTLE BIT.
In the game of life, no one is a crowd pleaser. Not everyone is going to like you, infact sometimes people hate you by just looking at you, out of your control. (keep it going)
You can't be good at everything, impossible.
But you can find the things you are good at and keep perfecting them until you are the master of your own kraft.
But in the mean time "go cry about it really".
Life isn't comfortable and it's not PG13 and either am I. My therapist told me today i need to combine Casey back into my writing, along side the rest of my problems. Because Casey is not seperate from me because he died, he's still very much a part of me and well my problems. I don't want to come off as "preachy" or "conservative" because i'm not and i would never want to be.
So that's why I am going to merge my blog readers.
Some of this content might be a tad bit more "Real" than my blog about my grieving process, but this is me, merging who i was with who i am now.
Sorry I kept you all hanging.......... come back, i got a lot of other weird things i need to talk about and also a lot of new songs i NEED to share.
Love always,
Dara
it has taken much strength and rebuilding emotionally but i have begun writing again and I will be returning to my life once again in January.
